Alternatives
to Violence by Dr. Renée Fuller
From the November 2005
issue of Family Times
- http://www.homeeducator.com/FamilyTimes/current.htm
When Marmaduke, the
Great Dane, was brought for rescue adoption to my house he was sixteen
months old with a history of having bitten three times. He had had
his reasons. Violence usually has its reasons. But violence also
has a heavy price tag. In the case of Marmaduke it almost cost him
his life, and it did cost him his original home. Everyone had told
the original owner that the Long Island dog would legally have to
be put to sleep (executed). The owner, however, was certain there
had to be an alternative. I was that alternative. Which is how and
why, to avoid having to be executed, Marmaduke was brought to me
in Connecticut.
Marmaduke’s desperate
cries when his owner left after delivering him to my house was evidence
of the price the dog was paying for his past violence. Had the dog
learned his lesson? Do any of us learn that fast? Not usually; and
neither did Marmaduke; something which became apparent later that
same day.
It was in the afternoon
of that first day that Marmaduke, after having successfully bullied
Juliette my other Great Dane, turned on me, growling and baring
his teeth. Years of working with acting-out adolescent human youngsters
had taught me to recognize such gambits. Seeing a surprisingly similar
gambit in an adolescent dog struck me as hilarious. I burst out
laughing. The effect was instantaneous and astonishingly like that
of the acting-out adolescent humans I had worked with. Marmaduke’s
face fell. No more showing of canines. No more growling, The sagging
shoulders reflected a doggie version of disappointment. Had Marmaduke
learned his lesson?
Not so fast: as became
evident some weeks later when a visitor knocked on the house door.
As I went to answer the knock Marmaduke rushed up behind me and
in his excitement bit my fanny. It was not a hard bite, just a warning
for me to get out of his way. No blood was drawn. I turned around
in disgust indicating that such behavior just wouldn’t do.
Had Marmaduke finally learned his lesson of no violence? Not so
fast. Several more weeks later he repeated the same performance
when there was a knock on our front door. Except this time the bite
in the fanny drew blood.
My response lasted three
hours. No, I didn’t hit him. That is what the original owner
had done on the advice of his vet. Obviously hitting the dog on
his nose had not worked. Violence in response to violence has a
history of being doomed to failure. What I did instead was to tell
the dog in hissing tones exactly what I thought of his behavior.
For the next three hours whenever Marmaduke came close I repeated
my message of disgust and rejection. My body language as well as
my hissing voice and probably my smell conveyed to the dog what
he lacked in the understanding of sophisticated human vocabulary
that expressed contempt and rejection. By the end of three hours
Marmaduke’s swagger had left him. Instead he was slinking
around looking so reduced in size that he had the appearance of
a small very upset dog. He never bit me again and became a great
and loving companion. The alternative to violence had been a success.
Surprisingly similar
to my interaction with Marmaduke was Evelyn and Roger’s experience
with their adopted son Edward. He was ten when the Blairs decided
to give this problem youngster “another chance at life;”
by which they meant a real home. The school had labeled Edward a
“destructive little monster.” After seeing what he had
done to his classroom I had to agree.
Edward’s dysfunctional
family did not want him and had frequently beaten him for sometimes
nebulous reasons. Not surprisingly the frequent beatings encouraged
the child’s destructiveness. After receiving repeated calls
from neighbors and the school the local social service finally made
a series of home visits. Following a number of lengthy meetings
they concluded that the badly beaten youngster needed to go into
foster care. The social workers were certain that no one would be
willing to adopt Edward and give him a permanent and stable home.
But they were wrong: for at that point the Blairs stepped in, prepared
to adopt the little monster. His dysfunctional family members, unable
to hold jobs or function with each other had openly expressed hatred
for the child. They eagerly signed the forms that rid them of Edward.
Shortly after arriving
at his new home Edward, like Marmaduke, instead of being grateful
for another chance at life, told the Blairs “I hate you.”
The reaction of the would-be parents was surprisingly similar to
my reaction to Marmaduke’s gambit of growling and showing
his canines. Both Blairs burst out laughing and Roger said, “You
don’t even know us. You gotta wait and maybe then you’ll
find some real good reasons to hate us.” Then they both grinned
at the child and said, “Let’s have some lunch.”
This scene was described
to me when I saw the Blairs some days later and how “The child’s
face looked so disappointed when he saw our reaction to his expression
of hatred was laughter. He had expected and wanted us to be upset
about being hated. We weren’t living up to expectation.”
Had Edward learned from
this experience? Not so fast. By the second day he accidentally-on-purpose
dropped his mug of almost finished hot chocolate on the stone patio
with enough force that it smashed. Both Blairs simultaneously gave
the child a look of disgust. That was all. They didn’t think
a reaction beyond that would be effective. But when several days
later Edward started to go on a wrecking spree of their house they
put into words their disgust and rejection of what they called “violent
out-of-control behavior.” As they told me later they carefully
avoided language that could be interpreted as cursing or obscene.
Instead, for the next few hours they periodically expressed their
disgust and rejection of Edward’s violent behavior with advanced
and literate vocabulary. Even though some of the advanced vocabulary
was presumably new to the child, he understood. Like Marmaduke,
gone was his strut. Perhaps for the first time in his young life
Edward was genuinely shocked. He had expected a beating and may
even have looked forward to what had become a sick, exciting game.
Instead, rather than sick game-playing he had received an erudite
talking to. And perhaps for the first time in his life he faced
a genuine alternative to violence.
Had Edward learned the
lesson of no violence? Yes and no. He never again went on a wrecking
spree in his new home. But it was different in school. A frantic
call from the school principal told the Blairs that there was big
trouble. Something or someone had set the child off and so he had
smashed up his classroom. The adoptive parents immediately told
the principal that they would pay to repair the damage.
Back at home they proceeded
to give Edward another erudite talking to. But this time the child
interrupted them. Sputteringly he told them he had an explanation
for what he had done. “Joe said that my parents tossed me
out of the house ‘cause I’m garbage. I’m not garbage.
So I showed them. I was sooo mad!”
Equally mad were the
Blairs, although they didn’t let Edward see their anger. How
could the other children in this new school have known that Edward
came from a dysfunctional family that didn’t want him and
that he was being adopted? The Blairs had told the principal of
their local school about Edward’s past, expecting that the
information would be held in confidence.
They knew they would
have to have a serious talk with the principal. But before that,
and right away, they would have to make clear to Edward that no
matter what the cause, no matter how justified it feels, violence
of any sort was out of the question. As they described to me later,
the gist of what they said to Edward went something like this: “We
humans have the gift of language. Therefore we don’t have
to go on rampages to express our feelings - that’s what words
are for. Only the stupid who don’t know how to use words go
on a smashing spree.” Did Edward understand? The Blairs thought
so. “He looked downright thoughtful. We wondered whether he
was remembering how we had used sophisticated language with him
when he knew we had every reason to be angry.”
By the next day the Blairs
felt they were ready for an appointment with the school principal.
At that meeting Roger immediately went straight to the point and
asked: “How come Edward’s classmates know about his
recent adoption from an abusive home?” The principle’s
answer was that he had felt compelled to warn Edward’s teachers
about the child’s past.
Trying to keep cool Roger’s
response was: “And the teachers told the other children?!”
Evelyn later described
to me how the principle wrinkled a puzzled forehead and said, “Maybe
the kids overheard the teachers talking.”
That was when Evelyn
said she lost her cool. Glaring at the principal she hissed: “How
is the child going to have another chance at life if the adult teachers
act this irresponsibly. You are supposed to be educators who help
children grow up into responsible citizens ? not act like irresponsible
stigmatize to rescue the situation with “O.K. How are you
going to fix this?”
The principal’s lame, “I’ll talk to the teachers.”
was not exactly confidence restoring.
Evelyn recounted how
on the way home Roger had declared; “This isn’t going
to work. That principal and those teachers don’t know how
to fix the mess they’ve created. And there’s no way
we can expect Edward to handle the situation with his classmates.
How many adults would be able to cope with being known as ‘garbage’?
So how can a child be expected to feel at home in a school that’s
allowed this to happen?”
The next day the Blairs
withdrew Edward from their local school. Being in a fortunate financial
position they were able to hire extra help making it possible for
Evelyn to homeschool Edward. As they explained to me, “That
way he’ll establish a secure base from which he can later
go out into the world.” The explanation to Edward was, “We’ll
help you achieve expertise in handling difficult situations. So
for a bit we’ll teach you at home.” Note: here again
“sophisticated” language was used by the parents, which
Edward before long began to use on his own.
My response to the Blairs
was the question: “But will Edward understand the dangers
that the emotions of anger, rage, and hatred create for all of us?
He’ll have to face where these emotions can lead and that
they cannot serve as excuses or explanations for physical or subtler
forms of violence. Most important, he’ll have to learn how
to become the emotional master of these feelings even when the anger,
rage and hatred appear ever so justified. Most important: he’ll
have to face that there is a turn-on quality to acting out in response
to the ugly emotions. It is because of this turn-on aspect of violence
that justifications for anger, rage and hatred serve as the excuse
for the satisfaction, and alas the frequent pleasure, that violence
gives its perpetrators.”
Roger’s response
was, “That may be true, but aren’t such psychological
concepts a bit difficult for a ten-year-old to understand?”
My response was based
on personal experience and went something like this: “To the
contrary. It is easier for children to understand that there is
a turn-on quality to violence having experienced it; and being children
they haven’t gotten to the stage of denying this experience.
By the time we’ve reached adulthood we’ve pushed the
truth out of our minds. We deny the ugliness that’s in our
souls. And so the pervasiveness of violence that’s in our
world lives on. It is essential that Edward admit and understand
the attractiveness of violence and that indulgence in it is out
of the question.”
Evelyn agreed. But then
she asked: “How do you actually go about telling a child of
ten that he must become the master of rage and even justified anger.
And that he must gain control of his hatreds?”
My response to Evelyn
was: “Tell him the truth. Tell him that for all of us the
feelings of rage, anger and hatred that lead to violence are like
a curse that is eagerly available to us. Our laws and religions
represent ways of seeking control over this curse that seeks excuses
for violence. A fun way of leading Edward into a discussion of the
problem would be by reading Isaac Asimov’s THE FOUNDATION
series with him. It has highly entertaining discourses on how ‘violence
is the last resort of the incompetent’ - although some of
us have come to wonder whether in our real world violence is more
often the first resort of the incompetent.”
Several weeks ago London
experienced a series of subway bombings: a prime example of out-of-control
violence. The day after the bombings Thomas Friedman in his New
York Times editorial wrote, “. . . the greatest restraint
on human behavior is never a policeman or a border guard. The greatest
restraint on human behavior is what a culture and a religion deem
shameful. It is what the village and its religious and political
elders say is wrong and not allowed.”
The Blairs represented
the restraint for Edward that was effective the way no policeman
could be. They were the elders who made clear what was wrong, what
could not be allowed. They were successful in teaching Edward that
there are no justifications for indulging yourself in the pleasures
of violence: further that there are alternatives to violence. And
just as for Marmaduke the dog, alternatives to violence ushered
in the release from the curse that hangs over all of us.
Years have passed since
Edward’s adoption by the Blairs was finalized. After a lengthy
period of homeschooling, Edward entered a high school where no one
knew about his past. Homeschooling had been a happy and effective
experience for both parents and child. It had brought them close
together, making them a genuine family. In high school the youngster
was a success both as a student and an athlete. Evelyn was especially
proud of his essay on “Controlling the Curse of Violence.”
Edward had indeed learned
that there are alternatives to violence.
About the author:
Dr. Renée Fuller is a developmental psychologist and author
of the Ball-Stick-Bird reading program. Read her many articles about
child development, reading instruction and educational methods on
her web site: http://www.ballstickbird.com .
Do you have a question or comment for Dr. Fuller? Contact her: (413)
664-0002
info@ballstickbird.com
|